Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
