it was like eating out sand paper
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
