Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
