Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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