yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
