Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
