Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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