omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
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