I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
