I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
