she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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