I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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