Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
