One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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