But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
