he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Randomize
