You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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