oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
