i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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