Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
50% drunk capacity currently
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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