his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
