Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Randomize
