Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
