i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Randomize