you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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