we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
