Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
