did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
