It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Vodka?
Forever.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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