I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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