so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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