my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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