I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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