May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Randomize
