I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
