I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
