i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
