Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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