After last night, I could never be a politician.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
