That's intense
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
There's always time for handjobs
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
