Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
