She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
