I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Randomize
