we made out on top of his cat.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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