just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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