Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
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