Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
