the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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