Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
