Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
cat food counts as protein by the way
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
