That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Randomize
