her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Randomize
