I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
