My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
