i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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