I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
