My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
