i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Randomize
