Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
