I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
