i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Randomize
